|And the battle lines are clearly drawn
||[Nov. 25th, 2005|01:17 pm]
I'm not gay, but I wish like hell that I was. It may seem like a strange thing to wish for, but I wish I was gay more than I wish I could turn back time.
I wish it worse than I wish for being able to turn back time because I don't think turning back time would do me any good. Or maybe it would, I don't know.
All I really need is time. Why can't I just have fucking time?! I'm a strong willed person sometimes, I can make myself do almost anything and I can make myself into almost anything, almost anything. I don't think it's possible for an average strait person to make themself gay, but when you feel the way I do, and you are only as strait as I am, it's possible. It's possible to grow balls, and it's possible to do things that you are simply afraid of doing. It's possible to overcome fear, especially when you're overcoming fear for love.
I think really I was just terrified of doing new things. I really don't think I didn't want to do things for any reason other than the fact that I am just a scared, insecure little girl that has no confidence, and no self esteem.
I WANT MY MOTHER FUCKING LIFE BACK!!!
If you ask the right questions, and if I'm in the right mood, I will tell. I'm dying to tell you, I know I can trust you, especially now, but it all seems so silly. I feel like you could understand though, I feel like you would understand better than anybody else in the entire world could understand, you would listen. I just don't want to regret telling you. You already know though, you must. You're a smart kid.
I just want to be ok again, I just want to be happy again. I want to live an honest, happy life. I had the happy part, I just didn't have the honest part, it was coming. You just couldn't fucking wait. You couldn't understand that everything is a million times harder when you are my age. You're a horrible person for not waiting. You're a horrible person for not waiting when I needed you the most. You're a horrible person for not trying to understand. You're a horrible person for not talking to me about all this first. You're a horrible person for letting this happen. You're a horrible person for doing all of this, when it could have been perfect, I could have been perfect, you simply wouldn't let me, I never got the chance.
But in the end, you're really not a horrible person, not at all. You're just impatient, and you are just like everybody else in the world-
It's my fault for thinking you were different, it's my fault for seeing anything in you. It's my fault for letting you in, and it's my fault for expecting more out of you than I would ever expect out of anybody else.