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(no subject) [Dec. 9th, 2005|10:46 am]
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]

You shouldn't fight any feelings you have for any reason. What's meant to be- whether it's you and Jamie, me and Krista, you and me, will be. All the little relationships lead up to the big one and make that one even more special. The little relationships have to happen. It was you who once told me that the little relationships were necessary to find out who and what one really wants.
There is no stepping aside, there shouldn't be anyway. It all happens for a reason. Just let it be, that's the only real right thing to do. Go with the flo, stop trying to change things for other people. you're hurting yourself. Be honest Katie, it's the only thing you can do. Be honest with yourself, be honest with me, just be honest.

I sent that all to Katie last night at like 12:00. I thought she was asleep and didn't expect her to respond. But she did respond... All she did was deny that she ever said that bit about relationships. She really did say it, I remember everything when it comes to her. But that's really all she said. Basically she was just mean about it and kept saying bye.

Then this morning I woke up to a text from her that said "I'm sorry..."

What the hell is this all supposed to mean?

I asked her what she was sorry for and she said "everything"

I don't know!! Her story just doesn't make sense, she leaves so many holes. When I ask about them, she avoids the questions. She's lying, she has to be.


After she ignored me and said bye enough times I sent this to her-

Why can't you respond to what I said? Why does it all have to be so hard for you? One day I will quit trying. One day you will shoot me down enough for me to really give up. I will get sick of trying, I hope that's wshat you really want.
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(no subject) [Dec. 8th, 2005|09:42 pm]
[Current Mood |crappyhurt]
[Current Music |b93]

I love how your heart beats whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me without being told to
I love the way your touch is always heavenly

And when I'm away from you I love how you miss me

I love how you hug me
I love you you squeeze me, tease me, please me


I like the feel of your name on my lips
And I like the sound of your sweet gentle kiss
The way that your fingers run through my hair
And how your scent lingers even when your not there
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(no subject) [Dec. 7th, 2005|10:29 pm]
[Current Mood |sadsad]
[Current Music |b93]

DON'T click hereCollapse )

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(no subject) [Nov. 25th, 2005|02:08 pm]
[Current Mood |crappycrappy]
[Current Music |b93]

I'm supposed to tell you
"Please come back"
But how bout this instead?
I hope you both choke on a pickle
Man, that would tickle me to death
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And the battle lines are clearly drawn [Nov. 25th, 2005|01:17 pm]
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]
[Current Music |b93]

I'm not gay, but I wish like hell that I was. It may seem like a strange thing to wish for, but I wish I was gay more than I wish I could turn back time.
I wish it worse than I wish for being able to turn back time because I don't think turning back time would do me any good. Or maybe it would, I don't know.
All I really need is time. Why can't I just have fucking time?! I'm a strong willed person sometimes, I can make myself do almost anything and I can make myself into almost anything, almost anything. I don't think it's possible for an average strait person to make themself gay, but when you feel the way I do, and you are only as strait as I am, it's possible. It's possible to grow balls, and it's possible to do things that you are simply afraid of doing. It's possible to overcome fear, especially when you're overcoming fear for love.
I think really I was just terrified of doing new things. I really don't think I didn't want to do things for any reason other than the fact that I am just a scared, insecure little girl that has no confidence, and no self esteem.


If you ask the right questions, and if I'm in the right mood, I will tell. I'm dying to tell you, I know I can trust you, especially now, but it all seems so silly. I feel like you could understand though, I feel like you would understand better than anybody else in the entire world could understand, you would listen. I just don't want to regret telling you. You already know though, you must. You're a smart kid.

I just want to be ok again, I just want to be happy again. I want to live an honest, happy life. I had the happy part, I just didn't have the honest part, it was coming. You just couldn't fucking wait. You couldn't understand that everything is a million times harder when you are my age. You're a horrible person for not waiting. You're a horrible person for not waiting when I needed you the most. You're a horrible person for not trying to understand. You're a horrible person for not talking to me about all this first. You're a horrible person for letting this happen. You're a horrible person for doing all of this, when it could have been perfect, I could have been perfect, you simply wouldn't let me, I never got the chance.
But in the end, you're really not a horrible person, not at all. You're just impatient, and you are just like everybody else in the world-


It's my fault for thinking you were different, it's my fault for seeing anything in you. It's my fault for letting you in, and it's my fault for expecting more out of you than I would ever expect out of anybody else.
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(no subject) [Nov. 24th, 2005|05:57 pm]
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]
[Current Music |b93]

Would you? Will you?
y= yes, n= no, m= maybe

[_] kiss me?
[_] let me kiss you?
[_] watch a movie with me?
[_] go to dinner with me?
[_] let me drive you somewhere?
[_] take a shower with me?
[_] buy me a drink?
[_] take me home for the night?
[_] let me sleep in your bed?
[_] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if I was being put down?
[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?

AM I...
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] loveable?
[_] adorable?
[_] compassionate?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
[_] a horrible person?

[_] wished I were there?
[_] had a dream about me?
[_] been distracted by me?

ARE Y0U...
[_] glad you know me?
[_] thinking about me?
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(no subject) [Nov. 24th, 2005|05:41 pm]
[Current Mood |depressedmiserable]
[Current Music |b93]

I shouldn't want to die this bad. Living isn't supposed to hurt this much. I'm pretty sure that if my dad were to die tomorrow I would shoot myself in the head after his funeral because there would be nobody else to live for. I could never hurt my dad by doing something like that but if he were gone...
I'm so sick of this weekend. I have too much time to think, too much time to be lonely, too much time to cry, too much time to wish I would just die.
It hurts too much.
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(no subject) [Nov. 22nd, 2005|11:53 pm]
[Current Mood |lonelysad and lonely]
[Current Music |b93]

All these feelings and nothing to do with them but to write them down. Over and over again, I write the same things down they are just worded differently, and put into a different novel. I've written to one journal or another more than ten times today. I'm going crazy. There is nobody to talk to anymore. There is nothing anymore. I'll just keep writing, and writing, and writing, and maybe, eventually, I will be ok.
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(no subject) [Nov. 21st, 2005|03:02 pm]
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]

I've never wanted to die more than I have for this past week and a half. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I wish somebody would just kill me already, I don't have the balls to do it myself.
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(no subject) [Nov. 2nd, 2005|10:17 pm]
I like Tasha, but I think only because I can make her laugh REALLY easy :p
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